As the day goes on, all the usual things happen. My first patient says “Hey Doc, I think I just bought you a new car.” I want to say “No, you just bought yourself some new crowns”, but again I hold my tongue and just smile. The next patient is extremely anxious and the first thing he says is “No offense, but I really hate the dentist.” Oh how I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one. It’s not easy to be in a profession where I’m hated and told so almost every day. Then I proceed to do the planned work for this patient and can feel the anxiety from their body filling mine. I can’t see and am attempting to bond material to a tooth that is difficult to isolate because there is much blood due to poor oral hygiene. I wonder what I’m doing here. My back and neck hurt. Why do I continue to do something that I enjoy less and less every day? It seems like I have the same day over and over again and each time it’s less tolerable.
The patient is finally done and proceeds to the front desk and complains because now there is a bill for what their insurance doesn’t cover, even though the amount was explained before the appointment. I overhear my financial coordinator having this conversation on a daily basis. Finally it’s lunchtime…a break! But as usual, it is spent catching up on clinical notes, returning phone calls, and preparing for the afternoon. By the end of the day I am almost in tears as I drive home. It is August of 2005, and at this moment I decide that I’d rather live in a cave in the woods and be happy than spend the rest of my life being a dentist. Immediately after making this decision I feel like a failure as fear, shame, and embarrassment overwhelm me. What would I say to my family? Friends? My team and patients? They all expect so much of me, and this is who I’ve worked to become. What is on the other side? How will I make a living? How do I get out when I have almost a million dollars in debt? People depend on me! At this moment, none of it matters. I know that staying in clinical dentistry will continue to suck my heart and spirit dry and am willing to do whatever it takes to get out. It seems an insurmountable task and I even consider claiming bankruptcy and walking away from it all right now. Knowing that is always an option makes things tolerable, and I think about it often.
To Be Continued…
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